Can't sleep... Again

So, we finally fly back home later today. It would have been a fun trip if I hadn't screwed up my knee. I've decided that Sunday, I am just going to the A&E and getting them to look at it along with the x-rays and medical report from Bulgaria. I am hoping that they will tell me it was all a misdiagnosis, and I don't have to wear any kind of cast. Even if it wasn't, and I have to wear something to immobilize the knee, I would hope that NHS is modern enough to have AirCasts so I can take the stupid thing off every now and then.

The worst part of the entire thing has been trying to get BUPA travel insurance to handle what they were supposed to handle. I have to have a “fit to fly” certificate and in order to get that, the docs have to either have payment in full or a guarantee of payment from the travel insurance company. Which makes sense. But, BUPA took forever to get anything done, and since I didn't get the fit-to-fly paperwork until last night, they didn't start processing it until this morning. I have called at least a dozen times, back to the UK, to talk to these idiots. And I get stupidity like, “It looks like they couldn't verify your insurance” (3 days after I first called them, and they never called me back to get more info so that they could) and “Oh, we will have this sorted in time for you to fly back in 2 days time.” No, you idiot, I fly out tomorrow. Because it took so long to get this straightened out, they couldn't book my extra seats on the Monarch flight I was supposed to be on. Instead, I have to EasyJet. Ok, maybe I am being petty, but it means no free meal. It means paying £1.50 for a 250ml Pepsi! Though Ray (despite currently snoring quite loudly) had to make the smart ass comment when he heard, “Hey, at least EasyJet paints the engines that bright orange, so when it falls off, they know who to return it to.” And this particular flight apparently never runs on time.

I hope the pups are doing well. We haven't heard from the pet sitters, but the cell signal doesn't always seem to work here.

Well, it's 3AM here in Pamporovo. I guess I will go back to tossing and turning.

Ok, so first time skiing. We got this really cool, very cheap trip from Crystal Ski, to here in Pamprovo, Bulgaria. It seemed like a good idea – it's mostly inclusive... the flights out and back, 6 days of beginner ski school, equipment rental, lift tickets, both breakfast and dinner, and a room with private shower and wc. Well – I know that I am not like Ray. Ray picks things up physically the way I pick things up intellectually. After the first day, I felt rather frustrated and kind of like I wasn't going to be able to get the hang of this... Of course, being me, I will not just quit and give up. Not only because I've already paid for this, but also because I can't just stop. It's just not me. I keep going until it's really stupid. And, once again, I've paid for it. I realized that I wasn't doing well, and I wanted to get private tuition. However, I dithered about the timing, and decided to see how I was doing at the end of the second day before actually doing it. Maybe that was my mistake. So... We are going down an easy slope – the one with the little pull lift at the bottom to get you back up – and one leg went one way, the other in the other direction, I went down, and I knew immediately that my knee was not well, and that I wouldn't be doing anything else for the rest of the day. It's not a big deal, I have crap knees, and I know that. So, ice, ibuprofen, and I should be good to go the next day. Except that the ski instructor really wanted me to see a doctor. So I did. I have a torn ligament and, of course, to limit my movement, my leg is now in a full, plaster, 10-ton cast. They don't have air casts like back home. Ok, it's not the most modern country. But they don't even have the resin casts? Ugh... This sucks. Really really really really sucks. I sent Ray out to ski today because at least he can have some fun. He really was managing to get the hang of it, so that's cool. I just hope he doesn't break something. That would make it very very difficult to get home. As it is, BUPA travel insurance is having to get me 3 seats on the plane so that I can keep my leg elevated. You aren't allowed to fly in a full leg cast otherwise, supposedly. Plus, the doc has to give me a “Fit for Travel” certificate or something. Oh, well. At least I tried. Now, going to go back to reading and being bored...

I know that I am a social retard. I know that I am so awkward, that I don't typically manage to get along very well in social situations. I am fairly cold and distant in groups. I don't tend to like people, I don't tend to trust people, and I don't make friends very often and I don't usually care that I have very, very few people that I am willing to call "friend". (There are 2 people, in the entire country of the UK whom I currently deem a friend, not counting Ray.) However, if I have reached out, and decided to that someone is a friend, then I guess I tend to be fairly blind and naïve about things surrounding them.

OK - I know it's stupid, to let anyone get to me. The thing is, only someone I bothered to care about, only someone that I counted as a friend could get to me. She's so petty and stupid. It's all well and good for me to be arrogant, detached and cold about everything - I am the bigger person, I am in the right, I am more intelligent, I've never tried to screw her over, I have not lied to her... But she sat there making her snide little comments last Wednesday, all passive aggressive and condescending, with whomever was around, multiple times, feeling somehow superior, in her own way, and I sat there aloof and distant and pretending to not to hear, pretending to ignore her because it was beneath me... Yet small and petty and stupid and useless as she is, she has other idiots just like her for company, and all I have my arrogance, and that's it. I am all alone. And it just sucks. I am now really glad she is finally leaving after more than a year of saying she would, but its really screwed up to try to hurt someone's feelings. OK - to actually, purposely hurt my feelings is really completely screwed up and for what reason? And for the record – yes, you are a liar. Look, I don't even lie to cover my own ass. Do you think I would risk my good name, my integrity at WORK for your sake? Or anyone's sake? Realize though, while I will never lie FOR you, I would, for the sake of friendship, however, avoid pointing out to anyone else that you were lying – I would withhold the truth unless directly asked for it, and we all know how rarely that happens.

Part of this frustration is that work is not just a job. It's my way of providing for my life, my future. I bust my ass, I work as hard as I do, I am driven to succeed because this is not just some temporary job. It's my career, and I don't need someone else who does see it as just something to do for now, just something to make enough money to get drunk, to screw that up for me. You can say whatever you want about being a free spirit and wanting to live for NOW! But what happens when you are old? Do you really think that everything will just happen to work out? I plan for my future. Just because you are too stupid, too lazy, too whatever, to do the same, why do you hold me in contempt? Enjoy your life – that is cool. If you don't want to think beyond the next time you get drunk, that is your business, and I honestly don't begrudge you anything for that. (Yeah, I might think you are an idiot, but, as long as it doesn't impact me, I have no problem with people doing whatever they choose.) However, don't screw up my career, with your contemptuous arrogance that anything as big as the corporation we work for is beneath you because it's soulless or some stupidity like that. Your belief that you are entitled to screw over the company for everything you can just because it screwed you over is some vague imaginary way? Yeah, it's a load of crap. It is completely and utterly bullshit that you have told yourself to make YOU feel better about being who and what you are. Why do you work where you do? It's because you wanted money. Because you OBVIOUSLY believe in the capitalist system. You want pretty shiny toys. Just admit it.

Oh, I'm sorry. That would be asking you to reflect on yourself, your situation, your life and your impact on the people and the world around you. And you are far too self-centered to do that.

I feel better and I feel worse for the rant. It's a relief to say it, but it just emphasizes that sense of negativity that plagues me when I consider trying to make friends.

My brain just won't shut down. I am having the most awful time sleeping again… The result is that I overanalyse things. "I should have done that," or "That was stupid" kind of thoughts percolate through my head all night. (After I get bored factoring the time on the alarm clock. Look! I am not the only person in the world who does it!) The worst one right now is from when I got sick this last time. By the time we got home from the boat party, I was in an indescribable amount of pain, and, of course, running a fever. Finally, after taking some Tylenol and ibuprofen, for the pain and the fever, the last thought before falling asleep, was "I wish I'd kissed him." It keeps playing through my head – was it a moment of absolutely clarity, some secret understanding that I was denying to myself, or was it a fevered, nonsensical thought? It would be ok if I could just sleep and not be bombarded with random thoughts playing through my head, but… I am to the point that I am just zombie-like. I am so tired that very little is making sense. And, unlike Ray, I never get up and do anything – I just lay there, tossing and turning. I am always worried that if I do get up and do something, I won't ever go to sleep. At least in bed, I should be able to get myself into some kind of state resembling sleep. Eventually, I drift off, then wake up, then drift off… I am trying to get more exercise, riding on the trainer, and running on the treadmill and some yoga stuff, but that has yet to make me sleep any more than normal either. On the bright side – I am at my lowest weight in years, and I have even had to buy a new coat as my old one swallowed me whole. My should-be-skin-tight lycra Sugoi cycling shorts are too big for the first time since I bought them.

I don't necessarily mean to be lawful good. A guy I work with always says, "Chaotic good is more fun," but, it's too ingrained in me to be anything other. There are those folks who scam and scrape their way through life… I can think of too many that I know personally, in various ways, and they all annoy the crap out of me. I become less and less tolerant of these folks, the vast majority of the world, every single day.

I feel more and more strongly that I am only entitled to what I earn, thus WHY should you be entitled to more? Why should you get to sit on your perfectly healthy backside and take my tax money to watch day time television? (Yes, I am perpetuating a stereotype here, but I am actually related to one who fulfills the stereotype completely.) Or why should someone else be allowed to hold a job making as much as, or more than, I do, and yet, not do a quarter of the work I do? (And, yeah, I've learned not to ask that question out loud as it would make your manager look bad enough to decide you are not someone she wants working for her.)

So, the net result is that I always end up doing what is right because it's what is fair. I won't not buy a train ticket, just because I am pissed off at the fare increases, because, even if there are other people who don't pay, that isn't justification for me not to pay.

And there are people who lie like they breathe. You never know if they are telling the truth, even if there is no reason for them to lie...

And, then, the other day at work, we were discussing the arduous task of moving house. This guy had moved, but just down the street, so he didn't anticipate needing to get any equipment to help him move… He tried to steal a shopping cart, but in the UK, most are equipped with some kind of device to keep the carts from disappearing. So, he got to a certain point in trying to leave the perimeter of the store, and a strong magnet caused a brake to come down, and the cart could no longer be used. He didn't realize that would happen, and was baffled when it did. Of course, I started explaining that it was magnetic, etc, and a co-worker jumped in to clarify "You should have lifted it up over the line." I realized that they both thought I knew about this because I made a habit of stealing shopping trolleys, instead of what really happened: I saw the signs at Tesco, and I wanted to know what the method was they were using to actually stop the cart from working past a certain point, so I googled the brand name. (Not that they would actually acknowledge my explanation. I guess it makes them feel justified to believe that I was stealing shopping carts in my spare time.)

Look. These are people who work with me. They make as much money as I do, maybe more. These are SINGLE people who are only supporting themselves, not a husband, 3 dogs and a cat. (We try desperately to keep all of Ray's earnings in the US, so we live almost entirely off my paltry UK salary.) They should have tons of cash to spare to rent a trolley to move. It's easier to cheat and do what is wrong rather than the alternative, which I would have chosen.

And the worst part is: I am vaguely bitter and pissed off about this. Not enough to actually even argue futilely with them about why it's wrong. (They don't care. They don't believe it hurts anything.) But it's still there - that niggling little annoyance.

Installing SuSE on my vm system… So, I decided to write this to kill some time.

I got a credit card "offer" in the mail yesterday from Capital One, UK. They "offered" a 34.9% interest rate!! Omigod! I know that, being fairly new to this country, I don't exactly have real credit rating. They apparently don't have caps here as they have an option for a card that charges 59.99%. (Because that .01% is going to make a world of difference.) I would say, "How can anyone be so stupid to apply for one of these cards?" But I already know the answer.

Speaking of which… I had this awful dream the other night – It was one of those where you wake up, and you are trying to do whatever it was you were doing in the dream. In this case, I was yelling at Sharon. I had spoke to my parents earlier in the day, and Mom had said something like "Sharon is going to make us her chicken salad." So, in the dream, Sharon had poisoned them so they would die, and she would get their insurance money. Of course, when I tell Ray this upon waking, his only comment was that, considering her hygiene, she really wouldn't have to resort to poison. Just feeding them may put them both in the hospital with some disease.

So – The weather. It sucks. It is cold. Like, really cold. We've had some snow last few days. And the cul-de-sac where we live is basically just a frozen sheet of ice. Everyone keeps telling me that they can't remember it ever being so cold here…

Oh, well. My install still isn't done, but, I have some other stuff I can get done.

So... Assorted news thingies. I HAVE to make comments.

I am watching the France 24 news about Israel's invasion of Gaza... I have to say – I really cannot say Israel is wrong. They were attacked, they have to take action to protect their people... Its terrible that they have had to use ground troops and are fighting in this fashion, but it is justified.

The other thing is the financial situation in the US. And yeah, Obama is basically rehashing the New Deal. A co-worker claims that this is Keynesian and I should disagree with it because I agree with Smith's economic view of things. I really have to say that I rather resent that. I hate labels. Does it matter which camp the views fall into? If it gets the country moving again economically... Social Darwanism isn't something I necessarily disagree with (I won't say that I AGREE with it 100% either) but, let's be honest, it won't actually make our economy suddenly start working. Be reasonable about it! I am not going to espouse views that aren't economically feasible at this point. Ideals only work in an ideal world. You could say that just because Henry Ford was a racist, that his ideas should all be ignored. You have to pick and choose the best parts of the varying ideas and theories that exist to make something coherent and useful.

Though, one good thing about the economic downturn is that everything is on sale. Zaavi is going into Administration, which is bankruptcy here. So, we picked up a bunch of movies pretty cheap. Like, we got all of the Monty Python stuff – the movies, the series, the Hollywood Bowl, literally EVERYTHING – for £30. Plus other stuff.

Anyway – I am going to bed now. I've not been sleeping very well, and I have to work tomorrow, so... 'Night.