I know that I am a social retard. I know that I am so awkward, that I don't typically manage to get along very well in social situations. I am fairly cold and distant in groups. I don't tend to like people, I don't tend to trust people, and I don't make friends very often and I don't usually care that I have very, very few people that I am willing to call "friend". (There are 2 people, in the entire country of the UK whom I currently deem a friend, not counting Ray.) However, if I have reached out, and decided to that someone is a friend, then I guess I tend to be fairly blind and naïve about things surrounding them.
OK - I know it's stupid, to let anyone get to me. The thing is, only someone I bothered to care about, only someone that I counted as a friend could get to me. She's so petty and stupid. It's all well and good for me to be arrogant, detached and cold about everything - I am the bigger person, I am in the right, I am more intelligent, I've never tried to screw her over, I have not lied to her... But she sat there making her snide little comments last Wednesday, all passive aggressive and condescending, with whomever was around, multiple times, feeling somehow superior, in her own way, and I sat there aloof and distant and pretending to not to hear, pretending to ignore her because it was beneath me... Yet small and petty and stupid and useless as she is, she has other idiots just like her for company, and all I have my arrogance, and that's it. I am all alone. And it just sucks. I am now really glad she is finally leaving after more than a year of saying she would, but its really screwed up to try to hurt someone's feelings. OK - to actually, purposely hurt my feelings is really completely screwed up and for what reason? And for the record – yes, you are a liar. Look, I don't even lie to cover my own ass. Do you think I would risk my good name, my integrity at WORK for your sake? Or anyone's sake? Realize though, while I will never lie FOR you, I would, for the sake of friendship, however, avoid pointing out to anyone else that you were lying – I would withhold the truth unless directly asked for it, and we all know how rarely that happens.
Part of this frustration is that work is not just a job. It's my way of providing for my life, my future. I bust my ass, I work as hard as I do, I am driven to succeed because this is not just some temporary job. It's my career, and I don't need someone else who does see it as just something to do for now, just something to make enough money to get drunk, to screw that up for me. You can say whatever you want about being a free spirit and wanting to live for NOW! But what happens when you are old? Do you really think that everything will just happen to work out? I plan for my future. Just because you are too stupid, too lazy, too whatever, to do the same, why do you hold me in contempt? Enjoy your life – that is cool. If you don't want to think beyond the next time you get drunk, that is your business, and I honestly don't begrudge you anything for that. (Yeah, I might think you are an idiot, but, as long as it doesn't impact me, I have no problem with people doing whatever they choose.) However, don't screw up my career, with your contemptuous arrogance that anything as big as the corporation we work for is beneath you because it's soulless or some stupidity like that. Your belief that you are entitled to screw over the company for everything you can just because it screwed you over is some vague imaginary way? Yeah, it's a load of crap. It is completely and utterly bullshit that you have told yourself to make YOU feel better about being who and what you are. Why do you work where you do? It's because you wanted money. Because you OBVIOUSLY believe in the capitalist system. You want pretty shiny toys. Just admit it.
Oh, I'm sorry. That would be asking you to reflect on yourself, your situation, your life and your impact on the people and the world around you. And you are far too self-centered to do that.
I feel better and I feel worse for the rant. It's a relief to say it, but it just emphasizes that sense of negativity that plagues me when I consider trying to make friends.
OK - I know it's stupid, to let anyone get to me. The thing is, only someone I bothered to care about, only someone that I counted as a friend could get to me. She's so petty and stupid. It's all well and good for me to be arrogant, detached and cold about everything - I am the bigger person, I am in the right, I am more intelligent, I've never tried to screw her over, I have not lied to her... But she sat there making her snide little comments last Wednesday, all passive aggressive and condescending, with whomever was around, multiple times, feeling somehow superior, in her own way, and I sat there aloof and distant and pretending to not to hear, pretending to ignore her because it was beneath me... Yet small and petty and stupid and useless as she is, she has other idiots just like her for company, and all I have my arrogance, and that's it. I am all alone. And it just sucks. I am now really glad she is finally leaving after more than a year of saying she would, but its really screwed up to try to hurt someone's feelings. OK - to actually, purposely hurt my feelings is really completely screwed up and for what reason? And for the record – yes, you are a liar. Look, I don't even lie to cover my own ass. Do you think I would risk my good name, my integrity at WORK for your sake? Or anyone's sake? Realize though, while I will never lie FOR you, I would, for the sake of friendship, however, avoid pointing out to anyone else that you were lying – I would withhold the truth unless directly asked for it, and we all know how rarely that happens.
Part of this frustration is that work is not just a job. It's my way of providing for my life, my future. I bust my ass, I work as hard as I do, I am driven to succeed because this is not just some temporary job. It's my career, and I don't need someone else who does see it as just something to do for now, just something to make enough money to get drunk, to screw that up for me. You can say whatever you want about being a free spirit and wanting to live for NOW! But what happens when you are old? Do you really think that everything will just happen to work out? I plan for my future. Just because you are too stupid, too lazy, too whatever, to do the same, why do you hold me in contempt? Enjoy your life – that is cool. If you don't want to think beyond the next time you get drunk, that is your business, and I honestly don't begrudge you anything for that. (Yeah, I might think you are an idiot, but, as long as it doesn't impact me, I have no problem with people doing whatever they choose.) However, don't screw up my career, with your contemptuous arrogance that anything as big as the corporation we work for is beneath you because it's soulless or some stupidity like that. Your belief that you are entitled to screw over the company for everything you can just because it screwed you over is some vague imaginary way? Yeah, it's a load of crap. It is completely and utterly bullshit that you have told yourself to make YOU feel better about being who and what you are. Why do you work where you do? It's because you wanted money. Because you OBVIOUSLY believe in the capitalist system. You want pretty shiny toys. Just admit it.
Oh, I'm sorry. That would be asking you to reflect on yourself, your situation, your life and your impact on the people and the world around you. And you are far too self-centered to do that.
I feel better and I feel worse for the rant. It's a relief to say it, but it just emphasizes that sense of negativity that plagues me when I consider trying to make friends.
posted by Jen Parker at 20:05
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